The Edge

I stand at the beginning of the field, this beautiful field of flowers. All kinds of flowers, beautiful flowers. The wide range of colors enchants me. I gaze at the field for a long time, just daydreaming. Then, my eyes meet the trees on the other side of the field. There look to be a thousand of trees connected to another world at the edge of the field. That world is waiting for me full of wonder and new things to see. I love both worlds that I see here. I have explored the first world and now I want to investigate the world beyond this one. What's beyond those trees I see? My mind begins to dream about what could be. What things of nature will I see? Now, I will stop dreaming and go find out what is beyond the edge of the field.


                                        Dream A

                                                Beautiful

                                                             Dream

Sparkling Blue

It is a stormy day and the waves are high. The sky is gray, and the water looks dark. I can feel the sand go in and out between my toes as I walk. I can hear the cry of the seagulls from above. Oh, how I love that sound. There's something about a stormy day by the sea. The wind picks up and blows my hair around. I can hear the foghorn calling ships, warning them of the storm.  There's something calming about a gray sky. A clean smell goes with the scenery. All day long it is like this. Tomorrow who knows, maybe the sky and the water will be a sparkling blue. Either way, I love being by the sea.

Little Violets

Little violets, aren't they pretty? I think they're beautiful! Look at them! Wow! They are so free and God created those little things. I smile every time I see a patch of them. Mom said we had a nice big patch in the back yard last year. I have two violets in a frame my friend put together for me. It reminds me of a very special memory of a very special day for me.

May I Hold Your Hand?

May I hold your hand? Can we walk along side by side? Can I reach around your waist as we walk? Why can't friends do this more often? I was walking out of a building one night with a friend. This friend of mine threw her arm around me like it was second nature. I didn't mind at all, I felt loved. In fact, I threw arms around her as well. We walked along, smiling and laughing. Not a care in the world. Why Not? We care for each other. We went food shopping for a dinner we were having together. I was happy to be spending time with my friend. I asked shyly if I could hold her hand, being in a public place and all. She smiled and held out her hand. I took it and asked if she was comfortable with it. She smiled. She was fine with it. We were at ease. We're such good friends. Why must people judge when they see people showing affection towards each other? Boy friends or girl friends? Why can't they show how they feel? Next time when I walk with my friend and we hold hands, I am going to be happy and at peace.

The Beauty I See

The beauty I see in my friend is so lovely. Her kindness and compassion overwhelm me sometimes. Her strength is so strong, though she may not realize it at times. Her laughter not only makes me smile, but it also puts a smile on my heart. She gives so much towards her work than she has to and she loves all her children. She also gives a lot to her family and friends. She makes me want to give just by her actions. She is more fair than a pink rose or a handful of violets. The way she worships and lives for God is so honest and true and she never lets anything contradict her beliefs. She sees the beauty in all things. She helps lift people up when they're down. That's what makes my friend beautiful. This is some of the beauty I see in her.

What's On Your Mind?

I need to talk things over. I need to talk things out when something happens. I don't like keeping my feelings inside. I get upset and worried, I'm afraid I will get sick. I don't like isolation, it doesn't feel very good to me. It brings back unpleasant memories. When I feel sad, hopefully, someone will notice and ask, "You look so sad, what's wrong? What's on your mind?" If that doesn't happen, I can tell a friend that I need to talk. When I pray and talk about my troubles, my heart is free and at peace again. 


                       Talk to me,

                                    tell me what's wrong,

                                                       I want to hear,


                                                                                -A true friend

You Forgive Me Everytime

Whenever I am heavy with sadness, You are there. Whenever I am filled of fear, You quickly come. Whenever I hear bad news, You ask me to trust You. You dry my tears. Whenever I am full of guilt, You point to Your Cross and tell me I don't need one. Whenever I pray for someone, You answer and help them. I know I don't have the strength that You have. You always keep Your promises, You always will. I can't always keep my promises, I am human, I can't do all things. You love me anyway. All You ask of me is to do my best. You told me to be honest with You when something is heavy on my mind and You respond honestly, always whispering that You love me. I am not perfect, but in Your eyes, You treat me as if I were. You give me more love than my best friends can give me, even more than my mother can. You love me even when I fail You. You will never leave me. You might get angry with me, but You quickly forgive me every time, giving me a gentle smile and a warm embrace. My heart is full with joy knowing You're around. You are my Everything.   

Farther, Hear My Prayer

Jesus, my head hurts again. I need to go to sleep. Come help me rest. I tell Jesus. Within a heartbeat, He is here in my room. Please hear my prayer, Father. What is it little one, what's bothering you dear one? I've been thinking of my love ones. You know, the way they've gone to be with You. Yes, but there's no more pain. I'm sad, I miss them. They are with me. They see you and they still love you. It still hurts when I think of them, and now another friend hurts like they did. I know that little one, but he's in My care. I won't let anything happen that I don't want to happen, you know that. My head feels a little better and I don't feel quite as hot. I asked my friends to pray for me. I heard them, that's why you're better little one and you're letting Me know what's on your mind and in your heart, I bet it helps to talk to Me, your Dad. Yes, I feel better. I got sick too. I saw. I give you My love. Thank You, God. I love you. Turn over and close your sleepy eyes, I'll keep watch. Don't be afraid. I love you. Sleep tight little one.

Try Again Sweet Child of Mine

I think to myself something's not right, Something doesn't feel right. Oh no, I said something wrong. I did something that wasn't right. Here is the old feeling again. Man, do I hate this feeling! It paralyzes me. Here comes that friend of mine, he thinks he's my friend. Here comes guilt. I don't like him as a friend. He's no fun to be with. Leave me alone, I don't like you! He doesn't listen, he stays. Please go away, I don't have to have you around! Still, he stays. Someone, please help me! My Father hears my cry way up in Heaven. He looks down at me with a worried look on his face that quickly turns into a loving, caring smile. Give that to me little one, he says. But God, I did.... He doesn't let me finish. That's all right, give it to me. It's hard to, father. I know, but you can trust me. Can I have it? I want it, child, really I do. I'll give it to him, but still, I don't feel good about it. Maybe I should talk to someone about it. Maybe the person I did wrong to, maybe I should apologize. Maybe I should let it go, but I can't. O.K. child of mine, talk this out and I'll be with you. I love you and I bet this person does too, in fact, I know this person loves you. So I talk to this person.  This person listens with a caring ear and love in their heart. Things are said with gentleness. Smiles come to both of our faces and loving words are passed back and forth. The conversation is finished. This matter is over. I smile to my Father. See My child, no worries. You're free now child. Continue your walk with Me. Hold My hand little one. Try again sweet child of Mine.

The Not So Perfect Body

This body of mine is not perfect. Sometimes I long for a perfect body. I wish I could write without thinking about every line I make. I wish I could eat without looking like I need a good washing. I wish I could get my own drink and cut my own food. I wish I could drive. Once I poured out my heart to God and begged him to make me whole. "You have a word for all kinds of people in your good book, but I read no words for people such as me. Have you forgotten me?" I called a good friend in tears. She told me to sit tight and she would try and find words in the good book. She soon called back and told me about old man Moses and about St. Paul. She told me St. Paul's words in the book - "I will say this: because these experiences I had were so tremendous, God was afraid I might be puffed up by them; so I was given a physical condition which has been a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to hurt and bother me and prick my pride. Three different times I begged God to make me well again. Each time he said, "No. But I am with you; that is all you need. My power shows up best in weak people." Now I am glad to be a living demonstration of Christ's power, instead of showing off my own power and abilities. Since I know that it is all for Christ's good, I am quite happy about the "thorn," and about insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I am strong - the less I have, the more I depend on him." When I read that, I cried out for Joy. God loves me more than I can imagine. He created me. He made me like this. He gave me a gift to show all I meet how much he loves them. I am a child of God and I am special to him. I love my Father in heaven.

                            
                                       Heaven's Very Special Gift  

If I was There

That was a horrible day, the day Christ died. It was a confusing day for the people who loved Him, especially for the people that really knew who He was. If I was there, I know I would be extremely confused. Why are they killing Him? I would say. Don't they know who He is? How could they kill Him? It's not just a claim! I would be running around trying to get help, trying to get someone to understand. I would be yelling at everyone, even at Christ. You can't leave me! You can't let them do this to you! You don't have to! You are God. You are his son! Of course, I would not understand why this was going on. Even the people very close to him forgot what he told them about what he was to and had to do. I would beg him to let me take his place. You do not deserve to die, I'm the one who should die! I am a sinner, and I am not worthy of your forgiveness, I am not fit to live! I would not understand that he was doing this for me. If I was there, I'd have no understanding of what was to happen three mornings later. I probably would not be alive, I know I would have died of a broken heart. Look at him! He does not have to suffer like that. Someone stop them! Someone put an end to this nightmare! God, do something! Please! No one knows they don't know who he is, why don't they know? It's so clear, all the things he did, the miracles he performed, only one person could ever do what he did! God would not give anyone the power that he had! Stop this! Stop it! Why? Why God? I don't understand. That is what I would say and do if I was there.

      

No Business Being Here

There was once in my mind, a courtyard, a courtyard that looked very much like the one that they tortured Jesus in. There appeared to be hundreds of soldiers there and they all look like they were torturing someone. I looked closer at this person and much to my horror, this person was me! I grew very frighten and alone. My hands were bound together and I looked like a mess. I was so full of guilt and shame. I have done wrong they said. They were right. They felt like I needed to be punished. Then I looked in one of the corners of the courtyard. I saw a tiny, little girl curled up in a ball and crying uncontrollably. She looked so frightened, so scared. She looked familiar to me. I wanted to help her, but I couldn't get to her. The soldiers continued to beat me over and over again. For a long time, I couldn't tell who they were. After a while, I  caught sight of their faces. They all had my face. The horror I felt grew and grew. This was truly a nightmare. Out of the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw a man angrily walked into the courtyard. I have never seen anyone as angry as this man was. He looked like he was going to destroy something. He was so furious. I heard him yelling. "You have no business being here!" He screamed. "You have no rights torturing my daughter, you have already tortured me and even put me to death! You don't need to do this to her, I paid the debt for her, I already paid the price! I demand that you stop!" The soldiers all looked at this man. Sheer horror came over their faces. They dropped their swords, chains, and whips. The shame was written all over their faces and they ran out of the courtyard. The man tenderly looked over at me. Tears were running down my face. He walked over to me. He slowly reached out to touched my face. "I love you. I love you so much, my dear sweet beautiful child. There is no need to worry. No need to be afraid anymore." He untied my bounded hands, touching my wounded body. He kissed my tears away and smiled at me. "Come with me now. I'll take you to a beautiful place where we can be together for all times." I looked over at the little girl in the corner looking over at us and wondering. I suddenly recognized who this tiny little girl was. "Go and bring the little child with us," the man said. I walked over to the little girl. She backed up even further into the corner, She didn't trust anyone, not even me. I spoke to her softly. "It's all right now. They're all gone. The soldiers are not here anymore," I told her. They won't be back." She didn't believe me. "I'm fine now. I'll take care of you." She still didn't believe me. She curled up more tightly into her ball. I put my hand out to her. "I love you," I told her. She slowly lifted her head to look at me. "I love you." This little tiny girl reached out her arms to me. I gently picked her up and hugged her, holding her tightly. The little girl looked all around and pointed at me. She began to clapped and played with her fingers showing me what she could do with them. "You're so cute. You are beautiful. I love you." The tiny girl hugged me. "See that man?" I said. "He wants to take us somewhere, somewhere beautiful and nice. I'm sure you can play there." The man walked over to us. He kissed my cheek and smiled. "I love you so very much," he said. "Come, let's go to that place I told you about now." He took my hand and we all walked out of the courtyard together. Suddenly, I heard the most beautiful sound. It was the sound of the tiny little girl's laughter.

 

Self Hatred Flew Out The Window

God once saved my life by dying for me. God twice saved my life by preventing me from taking my own. He told that He loves me and for me to give Him another chance to show me that I can trust Him. I was very good at loving people, but what people didn't know was an expert at hatred too. Oh, it wasn't people I hated, it was me. I hated me, myself. See, I was big on giving myself the best guilt trips. Those trips weren't very fun. Matter of fact, they were ugly, downright ugly. No one knew this side of me, I was good at hiding it. They say you can't love others and hate yourself. That's not true. I did it for most of my life. Self-hatred is a very painful feeling, very, very painful. Its like murder, only you live through it. No one can talk you out of it, no matter how hard they try. They can even talk about God's love, it won't do any good if you don't like yourself. So I walk on. I go on living, searching for peace within. I don't walk alone. God is right beside me ever patiently, loving me, cause I can't love myself. I love Him, but I still hated myself. More guilt, more pain. Everything I do, everything I say, I felt guilty. I haven't done wrong, but still guilt. I have rejected myself. No one knew. I went away for four years to a safe place. Holy ground, I lived for four years. Little by little, He scissile away, not too fast, not all at once, taking the greatest care.  This was something special He was working on, something very special. I began telling certain friends about this dislike for myself. Some were understanding and said everyone felt that way at one time or another. I remember telling one friend, and I saw hurt in her eyes. How could I not like someone that she loved so dearly? I could hear a little disappointment in her voice. I was sorry, but there was nothing I could do about it. She vowed that she would pray for this one thing for me until I begin to realize that I was worthy of loving myself. I could tell that she meant it. Other friends prayed for me too. This journey toward liking myself was long and painful, still, I believe that God was right there with me. Sometimes the pain was too much to bear. When this would happen, I would tell someone, it helped to know that someone knew what I was going through. I went to counseling when I was at this holy place. I also knew I needed a spiritual advisor to help direct me on this journey. This journey that I traveled took me all four years. There was some joy in all this journey. All those wonderful chances I had to celebrate my faith in the Lord. To grow more in love with God with my sisters and brothers. I had the great privilege of learning more wonderful knowledge about my Catholic Christian beliefs and in learning more about these beliefs that I have, I learned that God loved me so much more than I could ever imagine which made me learn to love myself. This was truly when self-hatred flew out the window.