Shallow Faithfulness

I love how you love your faith, this was told to me awhile ago. You have a deep faith, that was told to me too. Now I have to question my faithfulness. Is it as real as they say it is? I love Jesus and I try to follow God but does my faith really show that? I'm just trying to be honest here. There is always room for me to grow. I heard a sound the other day, a sound that broke my heart. The pieces were shattered all over the floor. I ran to my bike and took off like the wind, saying Jesus' name over and over again. I couldn't stay in one place. I couldn't do anything and I felt helpless. Boy, did I feel weak, I could only cry out Jesus, please help, please help, send down your Holy Spirit, let it shower, let it pour! Where was I going? I needed to get the energy that was pinned up inside me out. Then, later I felt guilt. Where was my faith? Did I leave it behind? I felt the unneeded punishment. It got heavier and heavier. I prayed for what made that sound. I fell on my knees in prayer. Only now I needed someone to pray for me. I have fallen once again.  I could feel the shallow faithfulness again. In my head, I heard these words over and over. You're a shit and you suck. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't true, but I couldn't make myself believe it. I got very sad and frighten. I called for help. I saw someone later on that day. I told them I felt like a failure because I'd fallen once more. They asked me that if they had messed up would I say that to them? I said no, I wouldn't that to them. They asked me, would I be kind and supportive? I said that I would be supportive without a doubt. Then they asked, then why can't you do that for yourself? They said that I show some of my friends how much I care about them and love them all the time. They listed some names of my friends. Why couldn't I give that kind of love and support to myself? Why can't I love myself like I love God? Why can't I give myself a break? God never tells me that I have to be perfect. One of my best friends is always saying to me, be gentle to yourself, be gentle to yourself. I remember that when I can. I wish I could remember to pray when an episode like this starts. How can I love myself more? I want to have enough faith in God to have enough faith in myself. God has been more than faithful to me. I want half of that kind of faith to be more faithful to Him. I want the strength to turn my shallow faithfulness into deep faithfulness.


                                      Father, turn my shallow faithfulness 
                                      into deep faithfulness.