The song "Worlds Apart" by the Christian band, Jars of Clay reminds me of my personal struggles with the life inside of me. Struggling for freedom from real fears within me. The guilt I so often unnecessarily deal with. I have shared my fears with some of the people I trusted the most only to lose those people, which, unfortunately, has happened. I am left to heal my heart alone. The sadness lasts a long time along with the tears I cry. The lyrics of this song hit me. It has affected me in a very strong and meaningful way:
"I am the only one to blame for this" I think, how true it is. In a difficult situation, I will take the blame on myself, not giving myself one inch of a break. "Why did I let this happen?"
"Somehow it all ends up the same" The same thing happened before with the same results. Sad and lonely and brokenhearted.
"Soaring on the wings of selfish pride" Although I don't have selfish pride, it is another character defect that I must have.
"I flew too high and like a charus, I collide" Like a fool, I put all my trust into something only to get hurt once again and it's mostly my fault.
"With a world, I try so hard to leave behind" The fears, the guilt, the doubts, the struggles and the thoughts inside my head are only parts of the world I try so hard to leave behind.
"To rid myself of all but love..." Sometimes I am so critical of other people. A side of myself I do not like. But mostly, I need to rid myself of all but love for me. Sometimes I feel that my not liking myself is slowly killing me inside.
"To live and die" When am I ever going to live solely for God? That's my true desire.
"To turn away and not become another nail to pierce the skin of the One who loves me more than the ocean, more abundant than the tear of a world embracing every heartache" I know I am not perfect, but to me, I always seems to do wrong even if it's a little thing, I always feel so ashamed. so guilty knowing that I caused pain.
"Can I be the one who sacrifice" I feel that I should have been the one to pay for my sins, for what I have done. The one who should have hung from the tree.
"Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow" All this verse reminds me of is what the soldier did at Christ's crucifixion. I don't think I would want to do this. I would want to run away after they have killed my God. Or would I be coping out by doing that? I don't know.
"To love you - take my world apart" I want so much for God to change my world so I can love Him more perfectly.
"To need you - I am down on my knees - take my world apart" I often struggle to really have God as the one true center of my life. I am always pleading with God to help me make this happen.
"To love you - take my world apart" It kills me to think I could love another more than God, Himself. I am racked with guilt.
"To need you - take my world apart" Sometimes I am so low on my knees endlessly begging God to take my world apart through my sobbing tears. These are the times I really feel broken, only God can heal me and put me together again.
"All that said and done I stand alone" I often stand in front of God alone with all my troubled thoughts and negativity. Sometimes, I feel I am left alone by people I honestly trusted when things get too tough for them to handle. This is when I am truly heartbroken. I am all alone. What have I done that was so wrong?
"Amongst remains if a life I should not own" I do not like the part of my life that haunts me. I do not like the guilt that comes with that part of my life, I do not like the fear that comes along with it too. I do not want to own it.
"Did you really have to die for me?" I believe that I'm the one that should have died for my sins and my crimes, not Christ.
"All I am for all you are" I long to be more Christ-like and less of myself.
"Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart" I believe so much in God and I very much need Him in my life, but I struggle and fight painfully for this because my mind and being gets in the way of what I want and what I need all the time.
These are additional lyrics to the song "Worlds Apart" and what they mean to me:
"I look beyond the empty cross" I look beyond the beauty that's in the Cross and into a world of loneliness and darkness. I forget that I am saved from that world.
"Forgetting what my life has cost" I forget what my sins have done to the One I love the most.
"And wipe away the crimson stains" I kind of wipe off His Blood that covers me as protection against my sins when I forget what was done for me.
"And dull the nails that still remains" I forget all the pain Christ went through for me.
"More and more I need you now" This is when I remember what I have caused, in the middle of my guilt and how much I need God to make me whole again.
"I owe you more each passing hour" The more I sin, the more I owe God all of me.
"The battle between grace and pride" The battle between what is inside of me and the life God so wants for me is very strong sometimes. I want God to win so desperately this battle. In the end, I know He will be victorious!
"I gave up not too long ago" I do not want to fight with my God about my imperfections and insecurities. I want Him to win the battle all the time. He will too.
"So steal my heart and take the pain" I say this almost every time I fall on my knees because I find that I have to pray this prayer in order to be truly happy.
"And wash the feet and cleanse my pride" I ask God to wash me of all my sins and guilt as long as I live. Help me to become a much better person.
"Take the selfish, take the weak" I lift all my imperfections up to God.
"And all the things I cannot hide" There is not one thing I can hide from God and I am forever grateful for this fact.
"Take the beauty, take my tears" I do not only want God to take the things that make me weak but also the beauty of my world and my tears and hold all of these things close to His heart.
"The sin-soaked heart and make it yours" I am forever asking God to change my heart and to make it pure.
"Take my world all apart" Always asking Him to take away all my guilt, pain, heartaches and all the things that hold me back. To take my whole world and fill it with nothing but goodness.
"Take it now, take it now" I beg of this from Him every day.
"And serve the ones that I despise" Take the evil spirits and cast them from my life.
"Speak the words I can't deny" I want to speak of His words in all areas of my life.
"Watch the world I used to love" I did not ever love the world that blinded me. The world that caused me so much anguish.
"Fall to dust and thrown away" Slowly, God is that world and throwing it away for me, but with my help. That is the key. I must help Him do it.
"I look beyond the empty cross" I look beyond the beauty that's in the Cross and into a world of loneliness and darkness. I forget that I am saved from that world.
"Forgetting what my life has cost" Sometimes, I don't want to look at why Christ had to die for me.
"So wipe away the crimson stains" I want so greatly for God to wash the dirtiness away from me.
"And dull the nails that still remains" I need God to do away with all the pain that my brokenness has caused me.
"So steal my heart and take the pain" I say this almost every time I fall on my knees because I find that I have to pray this prayer in order to be truly happy.
"Take the selfish, take the weak" I lift up all my imperfections to God.
"And all the things I cannot hide" There is not one thing I can't hide from God and I'm so grateful for this fact.
"Take the beauty, take the tears" I do not only want God to take the things that make me weak but also the beauty of my world and my tears and hold all of these things close to His heart.
"Take my world apart, take my world apart" I cry and I plead with God to take my whole world apart.
"I pray, I pray, I pray" I pray night and day for this. I pray all the time for this.
"Take my world apart" Do it, Lord. Please do it.
These words remind me of my journey with my personal struggles. I must not go it alone. I must bring God along. I need to solely seek and rely on Him when I am in the middle of a painful conflict, knowing that He will never turn away, I will never lose Him. I need to continue to ask Him to grant me freedom from my guilt and relief from the tears I cry. To fill my life with meaning and take away the sadness. To take my world apart.
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