Self Hatred Flew Out The Window

God once saved my life by dying for me. God twice saved my life by preventing me from taking my own. He told that He loves me and for me to give Him another chance to show me that I can trust Him. I was very good at loving people, but what people didn't know was an expert at hatred too. Oh, it wasn't people I hated, it was me. I hated me, myself. See, I was big on giving myself the best guilt trips. Those trips weren't very fun. Matter of fact, they were ugly, downright ugly. No one knew this side of me, I was good at hiding it. They say you can't love others and hate yourself. That's not true. I did it for most of my life. Self-hatred is a very painful feeling, very, very painful. Its like murder, only you live through it. No one can talk you out of it, no matter how hard they try. They can even talk about God's love, it won't do any good if you don't like yourself. So I walk on. I go on living, searching for peace within. I don't walk alone. God is right beside me ever patiently, loving me, cause I can't love myself. I love Him, but I still hated myself. More guilt, more pain. Everything I do, everything I say, I felt guilty. I haven't done wrong, but still guilt. I have rejected myself. No one knew. I went away for four years to a safe place. Holy ground, I lived for four years. Little by little, He scissile away, not too fast, not all at once, taking the greatest care.  This was something special He was working on, something very special. I began telling certain friends about this dislike for myself. Some were understanding and said everyone felt that way at one time or another. I remember telling one friend, and I saw hurt in her eyes. How could I not like someone that she loved so dearly? I could hear a little disappointment in her voice. I was sorry, but there was nothing I could do about it. She vowed that she would pray for this one thing for me until I begin to realize that I was worthy of loving myself. I could tell that she meant it. Other friends prayed for me too. This journey toward liking myself was long and painful, still, I believe that God was right there with me. Sometimes the pain was too much to bear. When this would happen, I would tell someone, it helped to know that someone knew what I was going through. I went to counseling when I was at this holy place. I also knew I needed a spiritual advisor to help direct me on this journey. This journey that I traveled took me all four years. There was some joy in all this journey. All those wonderful chances I had to celebrate my faith in the Lord. To grow more in love with God with my sisters and brothers. I had the great privilege of learning more wonderful knowledge about my Catholic Christian beliefs and in learning more about these beliefs that I have, I learned that God loved me so much more than I could ever imagine which made me learn to love myself. This was truly when self-hatred flew out the window.